CASE NUMBER FOUR

THE CASE OF IF HEAVEN AIN’T A LOT LIKE NIXON

CHAPTER ONE

I had been chasing The Ghost for 26 days. I was weary and needed a vacation. In Hawaii, preferably. What would a couple of weeks off the job hurt? But let’s face it, under normal circumstances, I was probably as close to Hawaii as I would ever get.


But circumstances weren’t normal. Not by a long shot.


The TPE credit card had unlimited miles. If the means were available I could go to Mars if I wanted to; but I didn’t want to; Oahu on the other hand seemed like a perfect place to go. I had read in the paper that Nixon was going there next week. Nixon, in many ways, reminded me of The Ghost. He seemed to be everywhere and nowhere; hard to understand and even harder to get to know.


Had Nixon made it to the Third Heaven by 2011? I don’t know. The Boss would never tell me though I had enquired repeatedly. He would only say if he ever went to China, Nixon would go with him.


By the way, before I go any further, I need to remind you of my most recent adventure (before this one of course): THE CASE OF AUTHOR GODFREE. If you haven’t yet read it, and you need to catch up, now is a good time to do so.

CHAPTER TWO

The earliest flight I could book to Honolulu was two days hence. I decided since I was already near the harbor, why not begin my vacation with a mini-vacation? A short trip around the bay and beyond sounded nice. I bought a ticket for a three hour tour on a small ship named the Minnow. It was a delightful trip with sunny skies and balmy weather. I saw some dolphins with whom I tried to communicate. They were oblivious to my TPE hand signals. Even though I had plenty of time I was out of sync with time and there was no one I could really talk to (in the sense of who I was and where I needed to be). Maybe Nixon would talk to me. I would have to get past the secret service agents but surely they would respect my TPE ID slash credit card. Money talks even when God doesn’t.


To kill some time I had been attending meetings of the Malibu chapter of the Atheists Club. There were a few agnostics in the group but they were rather desultory in their behavior. They tended to jump from one meaningless topic to another. That can happen when you don’t have Godness in your life. Also, they just didn’t seem to have a lot of passion for not believing in God. The last meeting I attended turned out to be a lively one despite having a few agnostics fall asleep during the meeting. We discussed the burgeoning ‘God is Alive’ movement. The Alivers were actually camping out in front of atheistic churches demanding that God become a part of the national dialogue. When the floor was thrown open to discussion, one of the young atheists in the crowd asked, “What can we do about these Alivers?”


That’s when I stood up and said, “Join them.” Then all hell broke loose and you never heard so many idle babblers in your life. Finally, the meeting facilitator was able to bring the meeting to a semblance of order and in a demanding tone asked me to elaborate upon my remark.


“You guys and gals are products of the Hollywood mentality. The most important thing in life to you is the shallowness and notoriety that only fleeting celebrity can bring. Being an atheist or agnostic in this culture means you’re part of the 99% majority. You’re lost in the crowd; each one of you is just another Tom, Dick or Harriet. To become famous without actually doing anything important or worthwhile is your primary goal in life, and I propose to you that only by joining the ‘God Alivers’, the 1% minority so to speak, can you find the meaningless meaning that your insincere and insouciant hearts so desire and in so doing make a name for yourselves.”


I sat down while everyone else stood up and cheered.


It was a great night and afterwards a few of us relocated to a tavern on the beach where I told them about the Third Heaven Cafeteria. No one believed me but the story was good for a few laughs.

CHAPTER THREE

The next day (the day before I left for Hawaii) I decided I might as well spend it once again wandering around the Hollywood back lots looking for the ever elusive Author Godfree, Ghostwriter.


I just happened to run into a rather nice-looking middle-aged man who was standing all alone at the side entrance to what I assumed to be a television studio. He had a sheet of paper in his hand and appeared to be practicing the words to a speech. He didn’t seem at all upset when I interrupted him and asked, “Excuse me sir, do you happen to know a man named Author Godfree?”


“You mean the banjo picker?”


“No, this one is a ghostwriter.”


I wasn’t surprised when he said no. Since he appeared to be so amiable, I ventured to ask one more question, “What’s that you’re working on?”


“It’s a speech where I condemn the God is Alive Movement as being a tool of the Communists.”


“Any particular reason why you’re doing so?”


“My acting career has been drying up for the last decade. My current gig is hosting a weekly western anthology series. It’s steady but I’m ambitious. I’m thinking about running for city council and this speech could springboard me to that position as well as on to even greater things. What do you think?”


My first thought was: why is this stranger asking my opinion on something so important to his own life? Could the TPE aura still be working even though my celestial cell phone was no longer functional? Had there been some kind of fissure in the non-linear temporal vortex? Was I mysteriously and inexorably being drawn back to my own time and place? Well, I hope so but I have to admit I didn’t mind waiting a couple of more weeks before going back. Darn it, I was supposed to leave for Hawaii tomorrow.


As usual, my TPE training took over and I answered the man truthfully, “I don’t think you should do it.”


The man looked both stunned and downcast at the same time. “But why? This seems like such a great opportunity to kick start a political career out of the ashes of an acting one.”


I tried to cheer him up. “You’re going to be a great politician someday, maybe the best one ever. But you won’t become one by attacking the God is Alive Movement. I predict in ten years at least 90% of Americans will profess a belief in God and 10% of those will be sincere about it. Attack God and you’re attacking yourself.”


“What should I talk about?”


“Strong military, low taxes, true love; trust me, you can’t go wrong.”


He tore up the piece of paper in his hand, thanked me profusely, shook my hand, then walked away into the sunset.

CHAPTER FOUR

My flight for Honolulu left LAX right on schedule. It had been nice to be able to walk through the airport gate without taking off my shoes, emptying my pockets and being x-rayed. Soon the Pan Am 747 was high in the sky, soaring over the eastern Pacific.


I pulled a neatly folded 8 ½ by 11 document out of my Wullet (a Wullet is a specially designed bullet-proof wallet that TPEs keep in the front left pocket of their shirts. The Wullet is placed there to protect the heart. You would be surprised how many times TPEs get shot at by religious fanatics.) In some ways it was a sad document, in other ways a naive one. It was a list of ideas for potential television and/or movie scripts. I had found it in a dumpster behind a Chinese restaurant on Sunset Strip. My comments are in italic:


ALL IN ALL IN THE FAMILY – a whimsical half-hour comedy based on I Corinthians 15:28. A show with no tears, no heartache, only happiness. In other words, no conflict, no drama. I could imagine the studio heads reaction to this one.


FROM ETERNITY TO HERE – A god decides he’s tired of being eternal, so he shucks immortality for mortality and comes to earth to pursue his dream of being a ghostwriter in Hollywood. Speaks for itself.


GODSHEAD REVISITED – a former god fondly reflects on his time as part of a three god team. All the ‘action’ is in a tea room and everyone speaks with a British accent. Speaks for itself.


THE EPIGNOSIS OF KENOSIS – a bird’s eye view of the relationship between the highest and the lowest and how one god/man can change the world. Hey, I like this one. A lot of potential conflict; also promises a dramatic ending.


THE REAL SPIRIT OF ST. LOUIS – a documentary of the actual first airborne transatlantic crossing; without the aid of a plane. Since a spirit is invisible, I’m guessing all we would see for two hours is sky and sea.


THE AUTHOR GODFREE TALENT SHOW – contestants sing, dance and play musical instruments and are judged by a three god team. It might be hard to find contestants. Who wants to be judged by a god?


The Ghost’s creativity was certainly evident but the fact that I had found the script ideas in the dumpster indicated to me that his efforts to find success as a ghostwriter in Hollywood were hitting a wall. I wonder how he was being affected by the continuing lack of success. Was it possible for a former god now turned human to become depressed? Was he dejected because he had been rejected?


My TPE instincts (which admittedly had been a little shaky lately) told me that The Ghost was doing fine. He was not in it for the recognition and rewards but for being simply in the chase. Chances were that he had hedged his bets and had the capacity to change back from mortal to immortal at any moment if the going got too rough. And despite everything, I still trusted my investigative instincts. You can’t be at the end of a celestial cell phone for over twenty-five years and not pick up on some of the inner workings and personal inclinations of the CEOs of THI (Third Heaven Interuniversal).


Now maybe I was just telling myself the above because I wanted to have a guilt free Hawaiian vacation. I can’t deny the thought crossed my mind, but dadgummit, I had been searching for The Ghost high and low for almost a month and at no time did I ever sense that The Ghost actually wanted to be found.

CHAPTER FIVE

I checked in at the same Honolulu hotel (which shall remain unidentified for purposes of national security) in which Nixon was staying. I immediately contacted his Secret Service agents (one was the father of a future TPE but of course I couldn’t tell him that) and showed them my TPE ID slash credit card. The card transcended all eras of time and all currents of space. They quickly approved my request for a one hour visit. Nixon was currently taking a nap. Could I come back at four? I sure could. In the interval, I took the opportunity to eat a coconut and walk on the beach.


When I got from my walk I was ushered into his room, which was a really a suite of rooms. I was invited to take a seat. We started talking. He asked how I was doing. I told him I was doing fine. I then asked if he had the chance to play some golf.


“By the time you get dressed, drive out there, play 18 holes and come home, you've blown seven hours. There are better things you can do with your time.”


Nixon seemed like a man I could trust so I told him I was from 2011 but had unluckily been caught in a non-linear temporal vortex. He replied,


“Once you get into this great stream of history, you can't get out. “


How true I replied wondering if he really understood the predicament I was in. I then asked him about the situation in Cuba.


“Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet.”


We both laughed. It was true. Nixon had a great sense of humor. But how about the God is Alive Movement? Was he worried about religion returning to America? It seems he was.


“In the long term we can hope that religion will change the nature of man and reduce conflict. But history is not encouraging in this respect. The bloodiest wars in history have been religious wars.”


But then I asked, “If religion is not the answer, what is?”


“Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth to see it like it is, and tell it like it is, to find the truth, to speak the truth, and to live the truth. “


Now the big question: “Do you plan to run for president in 1960?”


“Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans have as much dignity as the Presidency.”


Was that a yes or a no?


Time was up. It had been an enjoyable conversation. But I had noticed Nixon looked very pale. How was that possible here in Hawaii? I told him,


“You’re should get a little sun on your face.”


He should have listened to me.

CHAPTER SIX

The discerning reader will understand why I wanted to visit Nixon. The undiscerning reader will not. Which one are you? Let’s revisit chapter one: “Nixon, in many ways, reminded me of The Ghost. He seemed to be everywhere and nowhere; hard to understand and even harder to get to know.” Yes, I had a sneaking suspicion that Nixon was actually The Ghost. Sure, I was grasping at straws, but Grasping at Straws is one of the four main investigative techniques of a highly trained and incredibly dedicated TPE. What are the other three, you ask? They are:


1) Walking & Talking: this is how a TPE gathers information. He walks down sidewalks, he walks into homes, he walks into businesses, etc. Sometimes he walks into trouble (and then tries to talk himself out of it). But wherever he’s walking, he’s also talking. Talking to men; talking to women; talking to the rich; talking to the poor; talking to anybody who’ll talk back. In other words, he’s talking it to the street.


2) Riding & Deciding: once the TPE has gathered a sufficient amount of information, he likes to proceed with the 3M recipe: Meander, Mull and Meditate. To do so, he positions himself on a transportation device and takes off in some direction (hopefully a direction that’s germane to the case at hand). The transportation device could be a bike, could be a mule, could be a train (or bus, plane, ship, etc.) While moving, he mulls and meditates and at some point makes a decision. When he makes a decision, he then acts.


3) OLF: the most controversial technique (and no, it’s not an arcane acronym for waterboarding). OLF stands for either of two phrases: Out in Left Field or Out of Left Field. Whether the little word after Out should be in or of was the controversy. The concept of OLF originated in ancient Greece at the Olympics. Greek sporting fields only had center fields and right fields so when something came out of left field it really surprised the hades out of the participants and spectators. But it was even more surprising when something was spotted out in left field (especially since a left field didn’t exist). So was it in or of? I preferred of but I was no scholar and the ones who were, the outspoken scholars at the Pond of Fire Astro-Etymology Wordsmith Lab were still debating the subject in late 2011 and I’m pretty darn sure that when I got back to 2012 (if I ever did; I had given up on getting back to 2011) the debate would still be raging. Theological debates often do.


Now what tipped me off that Nixon wasn’t The Ghost? Before I answer that question, let me first describe another possible scenario that pointed toward him being The Ghost and why I went to the trouble of going all the way to Hawaii to interview him. Nixon was part of a two man team. He wasn’t the supreme leader but he was pretty darn close. I think The Ghost for billions of years had been a little jealous of Boss Jr (for reasons stated in one of the previous adventures. I forget which one. You’ll just have to look it up for yourself). Now he would never admit this; it might have been all at a subconscious level. But it was there and when he found himself in 1959 and on a planet with no Boss or Boss Jr he saw the opportunity to try out a role he had always desired but had never had the chance to perform.


But my speculation was totally wrong. Nixon was not The Ghost and never had been. How can I be so sure? He didn’t play golf.

CHAPTER SEVEN

To be a highly effective TPE, one has to be able to both go with the flow and not go with the flow. Once Nixon said he didn’t play golf, I knew the current had hit the dam. Because there was no way The Ghost, if he was Nixon, would not play golf. First of all, Nixon’s boss, Ike, was a big golfer, maybe the most enthusiastic one in presidential history. The Ghost would want to emulate the Boss. And secondly, and most decisively, was the alphabetical breakdown of the word golf using a fine tooth linguistical comb (the boys at the Pond of Fire Astro-Acronymical Ecumenical Lab would be proud of this one). Let’s break it down:


G.O.L.F. equals God Out in Left Field or God Out of Left Field. Use ether in or of; doesn’t matter. Either one works.


But even if Nixon didn’t play golf, he could have spent a little time on the beach getting some tan. It would have done him more good than he could have imagined. I had tried to debate the subject with him but he was too darn good a debater.

EPILOG

Since I didn’t have to worry about finding The Ghost in Hawaii, the rest of my tropical vacation was pretty much stress-free. Caught up on my sleep; went to a couple of luaus; wrote a song using the ukulele. I called it ‘If Heaven Ain’t a Lot Like Trixie’ (Trixie was someone I got to know in THE CASE OF THE JOHN CALVIN DOPPELGANGER). A young kid around the age of 10 stopped and listened as I working on the song. He looked back over his shoulder and yelled,


“Hey, ma, come listen!”


A lady with blond hair, sandals, and a cowboy hat came over. The boy spoke, “What do you think Ma?”


“Mmm, it’s got potential Too bad Hank Is no longer with us. If he was, he might try to do something with it.”


The boy fought back tears. “I will, Ma. I promise I will.”


I just kept playing the ukulele. It sounded real good in the Hawaiian air.

THE END