CASE FOURTEEN

The Case of the WesCan Plan

CHAPTER ONE

RC Cola and a Moon Pie

Sung by Bill Lister

Give me a RC Cola and a Moon Pie

I'm playin' Maple on the hill

I'll catch that freight train on the blind

Leave my corn down at the mill.

'Cause I sold my calf for a dollar and a half,

So Brother, I can pay the bill.

Give me an RC Cola and a Moon Pie

I'm playin' Maple on the hill

Ridin' saplings all day long

Clearing Pap's new ground

But I'll be leaving before long

Goin' into town.

I may be just a country boy,

But brother I get my thrill

With an RC Cola and a Moon Pie

And playin' Maple on the hill.

Got a brand new pair of overalls

Grogans greased and shined

I'll tell you boys, I did it all,

For that gal of mine.

We'll dance all night til' broad daylight

Will find us goin' still,

With an an RC Cola and a Moon Pie

And playin' Maple on the hill.

“Well, that was interesting.” I said to Lance as I turned off the AM radio on the dune buggy. Lance didn’t reply.

“Have you ever heard that before?” The song was definitely before my time, and since Lance was at least fifteen years older than me, I thought he might have run across it in years past.

“Can’t say that I have. Mighty catchy though. Hey, why don’t we stop at the next gas station and see if we can rustle up a couple of moon pies. I haven’t eaten since Dime Box. About time for a little snack.”

Sounded good to me so at the next stop, as I was filling up the dune buggy, Lance wandered into the convenience store. He was gone for a few minutes and when he came back out he had a look of abject despair on his face.

“I can’t believe it. They’ve run out of moon pies.”

“Even banana ones?”

“All kinds and flavors and they’ve been out for weeks. Word is that all the moon pies on Earth have been confiscated by Associates from Third Heaven Cafeteria.”

Now I was stunned. “I’ve always heard that TH Cafeteria moon pies were made on the moon.”

“Something’s happened to the Moon Pie Factory on the Moon.”

CHAPTER TWO

Lance had sat down in the buggy. He was still recovering from his ordeal in the desert around Normex Annex and was easily tired. The stunning bit of news about moon pie scarcity had hit him hard. I wondered why.

“Well, Lance, it is just a moon pie after all.”

“I know but I think there’s more to it than that. I think the Raspberry Tarters are tied up in all this somehow.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I overheard some conversations back in the cave in Normex Annex. Cassy Castenada, leader of the Tarters was talking to her brother about something called the WesCan Plan.”

“I surprised they talked openly in front of you.”

“They thought I was still in a coma. Anyway, for some reason they were moving their base of operations from the desert to the mountains. Cassy said something like ‘the higher the better.’ I thought she was talking about peyote but evidently it had to do with topographical altitude not drug-induced attitude.”

“The Castenadas can be a nasty bunch to deal with; yet they took care of you. How do you explain that?”

Lance didn’t reply immediately. He spent a few moments gazing out at the awe-inspiring Colorado mountain range before replying. “Back in ’79 I helped Carlos Castenada get out of a jam. I was working solo then, having recently resigned from the TPE Corps. While skipping dimensions, Carlos had inadvertently left his trans-dimensional ID card in a pizza parlor in Santa Fe and was stuck at the border of a dimension that believed there was no such thing as dimensions.  Luckily, I was still on good terms with some minor Associates in the Third Heaven Bureau of Incarnation and they made arrangements to get Carlos’ ID back.”

“I can see why the Castenadas were willing to help you.”

“Good deeds can come back to bite you but in this case helping Carlos was a positive.”

“But now you face the dilemma of deciding whether or not to investigate if the Castenadas are up to no good, and if so, finding a way to stop them.”

“It’s not easy being a TPE.”

CHAPTER THREE

As we rode up and down the mountain bi-ways, I discovered that Lance was himself a moon pie aficionado and had learned by heart a moon pie recipe that he recited to himself when tortured by the Boss’ enemies. It went something like this:

Moon Pies
Yield: About 18 double-decker moon pies
Prep Time: 1 hour 15 minutes | Bake Time: 30 minutes
For the Cookies:
8 ounces (1 cup) unsalted butter, at room temperature
¾ cup light brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2¼ cups all-purpose flour
½ teaspoon salt
For the Marshmallow Filling:
2 egg whites
Pinch cream of tartar
Pinch salt
2/3 cup light corn syrup
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup powdered sugar, sifted
For the Chocolate Coating:
12 ounces semisweet chocolate
¼ cup vegetable oil
1. To Make the Cookies: With a mixer on medium speed, beat the butter until creamy, about 3 minutes. Add the brown sugar and beat at medium-high speed until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Reduce the speed to medium, add the egg and the vanilla extract, and beat to combine. Reduce the speed to low, add the flour and the salt, and mix just until a soft dough forms. Divide the dough in two, shape into disks, wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.
2. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Line at least two baking sheets with parchment paper or a silicone baking mat; set aside. Working with one disk at a time, roll out the dough to about 1/8-inch thickness. Using a 2½-inch diameter round cutter, cut out the rounds and place them on the prepared baking sheets, about ½ an inch apart. Refrigerate the cookies (on the baking sheets) for 10 minutes.
3. Bake the cookies for 10 to 12 minutes, or until lightly browned. Cool on the pans for a couple of minutes, and then move to a cooling rack to cool completely.
4. To Make the Marshmallow Filling: Using a mixer with the whisk attachment, beat the egg whites with the cream of tartar and the salt until firm peaks form, gradually increasing from medium-low speed to medium-high speed as the egg whites gain volume. Meanwhile, in a small saucepan, boil the corn syrup over high heat without stirring until it registers 230 to 235 degrees F on a candy thermometer (thread ball stage). Slowly drizzle the hot corn syrup into the egg whites and beat at high speed until glossy, about 2 minutes. Reduce the speed to medium-low, beat in the vanilla extract and the powdered sugar.
5. Using either a pastry bag or a spoon, mound about 1½ tablespoons of marshmallow filling into the center of a cookie. Top with another cookie and press lightly to spread the marshmallow to the edges. Add another mound on top of the second cookie, and top with another cookie, again pressing slightly to spread the filling to the edges. Repeat with the rest of the cookies.
6. To Make the Chocolate Coating: Using a double boiler or in the microwave on 50% power and in 30 second increments, melt the chocolate and vegetable oil together until completely smooth. Place the assembled cookies on a wire rack set over a sheet of wax paper. Spoon the melted chocolate over each cookie so that it runs down the sides and covers most of the cookie. Allow to set at room temperature for about 2 hours (or refrigerate to speed up the process). Store in an airtight container at room temperature.
(Recipe adapted from Food and Wine magazine.)




CHAPTER FOUR


We’re now at the point of the narrative where we introduce some of the chapters with an Eric Hoffer quote:
We can be absolutely certain only about things we do not understand.
A good quote but TPEs are used to never being absolutely certain about anything except being absolutely certain about not being absolutely certain.
“What are you thinking about?” Lance asked me.
“Eric Hoffer.”
“You mean the longshoreman philosopher, the famous autodidact?”
“Yep, that’s the one.”
“I was especially impressed with his book, The True Believer. What he described in that book reminded me a lot of the people we’ve had to deal with.”
“I know what you mean. But at least True Believers are for the most part, highly predictable. There’s a logic to their insanity.”
“A TPE always appreciate consistent clues.”
“Would you say the Tarters are True Believers?”
“Without a doubt.”
“So what does that tell you about what they might be up to?”
“Something big.”
While we were talking, I couldn’t help but notice that Lance seemed to be in constant pain. The dune buggy wasn’t the most comfortable of rides but it was all we had, and since both of us, for various reasons, had lost our celestial cell phones and TPE IDs, it was for better or worse, to remain our sole source of transportation.
I asked Lance, “Would you like to stop and take a break?”
“We can’t. There’s no time to lose.”
“Where are we going by the way?”
“To see Archie of the Seventh Level. He’s an expert on Moon Moon Pies.”




CHAPTER FIVE

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation. Eric Hoffer.

Archie 7 reminded me a little of Sage Brush; a better clothed version to be sure but that wasn’t surprising since Sage Brush had little need of clothes in the heat of the desert while Archie 7 spent much of his time contemplating nature in nature and this particular side of the mountain was about 45 degrees Fahrenheit with a stiff breeze. I found myself shivering and was relieved when A7 invited us into his well appointed cave. He offered us both Hot Shagah Lites which we accepted gratefully and then asked us to have a seat. Lance spoke first.

“Archie, do you know anything about the Moon Pie Dearth?”

“Not a thing. Archie 8 hasn’t sent any information down to me and as you know information only travels in one direction in the Higher Archie.”

“When’s the last time you ate a Moon Pie?”

“Earth Moon Pie or Moon Moon Pie?”

“Either.”

“About six months ago. I enjoyed a MMP with a cup of Venusian Nectar. It really hit the spot, I might add.”

“Hasn’t it bothered or worried you that Moon Pies are now scarce?”

“Of course but there’s nothing I can do about it. Que Sera, sera as the good book says.”

Lance did not respond. He got up and immediately left the cave. I followed quickly after him. A few minutes later we were moving vertically.

CHAPTER SIX

When we believe ourselves in possession of the only truth, we are likely to be indifferent to common everyday truths. Eric Hoffer.

We had gone up about a thousand feet or so when I asked Lance.

“Why the sudden departure? I was hoping another Hot Shagah Lite was on the way.”

“Archie 7 has been corrupted from above. Archies have always been free willers not whatever will be will be-ers.”

“How far up?”

“At least five levels. A change in policy like that has to come down that far to make any kind of impact.”

“So we’re headed to Archie 13?”

“Yes, unless you have a better idea.”

“It’s going to be mighty cold that far up. Are there any kind of clothing stores on the route we’re following? We sure could use some warmer outfits.”

“I can’t disagree with that. My arthritis is starting to act up and I was in bad shape to begin with; we’ll keep our eyes peeled. Maybe we can kill a bear and skin it.”

“I hope you’re joking.”

“I hope so too.”

We’ll pause here so the reader can ponder the meaning of que sera sera, or as it is known in intellectual circles: fatalism.

Belief that every event is bound to happen as it does no matter what we do about it. Fatalism is the most extreme form of causal determinism, since it denies that human actions have any causal efficacy. Any determinist holds that indigestion is the direct consequence of natural causes, but the fatalist believes that it is bound occur whether or not (one) eats spicy foods.




CHAPTER SEVEN

The beginning of thought is in disagreement - not only with others but also with ourselves. Eric Hoffer

Nothing shakes one’s foundation like discovering that the rocks above are loose and especially when one is driving an open air dune buggy on curving mountain roads. The higher we went the thinner the air and the harder it was to make clear, level-headed decisions.

I asked Lance, “What are the chances Archie 13 has also been infected with fatalism?”

“I estimate the odds are around 90% that he is.”

“Then why even talk to him?”

“Because we have to try, within reason, to eliminate all possibilities; if we go to an Archie that hasn’t been contaminated, we run the risk of offending him. In the Higher Archie, you can only go up, not down.”

“Then why don’t we start with the next Archie, Archie 6?”

“We don’t have time. I’m making an educated guess but I think it’s  a sound one.”

It took about an hour (so far it appears that in the vertical plane, Archies are roughly about ten minutes or so apart) before we reached Archie 13. It had gotten even colder and Archie 13 waved at us from the doorway of his cave. He welcomed us in and offered us Hot Shagah Heavies (no one drank Lites at this altitude).

“What can I do for you TPEs? You don’t usually operate in the upper atmosphere.”

Lance answered, “We’re on vacation and just doing a bit of sightseeing.”

Archie 13 seemed totally taken in by Lance’s lie. “Ah, you remind me of my younger days, before I was in the Higher Archie. I spent quite a bit of time tramping around the world.”

We didn’t have much time for reminiscing so I asked A13, “So how did you end up in the Higher Archie?”

“It was my destiny.”

To be polite, we talked some more with A13, but it wasn’t long before we were going up again.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Because we believe in an open future, we can never be totally sure of our predictions, but even still, I’m predicting, and it may have to do with the fact that I’m an omniscient narrator, this will be our last Eric Hoffer quote:

The only way to predict the future is to have power to shape the future.

“How high do we go this time Lance?”

“Archie 25.”

“Almost double.”

“And that may not be enough. This thing literally stinks to high heaven.”

The cold had turned bitter but the roadway was untouched by it and we continued to make good time. When we got to our destination, Archie 25 didn’t even bother to answer the door. Luckily, it was unlocked and we walked into the cave.

We found A25 in the kitchen. “Welcome in boys, I knew you were coming.”

Lance replied sarcastically, “Fate?”

A25 laughed. “No, I spotted you with my reverse telescope. You know Archies don’t believe in that fate crap.”

Lance and I both sighed in relief. I asked, “Where did the contamination begin?”

“We think at Archie 22 but communication only moves downward so we can’t be sure. By the way, have a seat. I made enough Spaghetti Bolognese for three.”

That sounded good! As it turned out, Archie had worked as a chef in the Third Heaven Cafeteria and knew his way around Italian spices.

After the meal, we sat down in the living room and discussed the situation.

A25 asked us if we had any clues. Lance spoke,

“I think Cassy Castenada and the Raspberry Tarters are behind this. Their plan is to introduce complacency into the Higher Archie.”

“But why?” A25 took a sip from his Hot Shumptuous Chocolate. I looked longingly at it, but Lance and I had to decline A25’s offer of one because of the latent threat to TPEs of TOMS (Time Out of Mind Syndrome).

“By neutralizing the Higher Archie, the Tarters will have access to the inside workings of the Third Heaven Cafeteria.”

“You don’t say!” gasped A25.

Lance nodded affirmatively, “Oh, I do say. Cassy plans to take over the THC!”

CHAPTER NINE

I didn’t like the way the conversation was going. I asked Lance, “But how does the que sera seraing play in with the Tarters’ gambit?”

Lance replied (serenely I might add), “There are two kinds of people in the world and both kinds have free will – one kind uses its free will to believe it has free will and the other kind uses its free will to believe it doesn’t have free will. Once the latter happens the free will denier becomes subject to lethargy and grandiose dreaming. He believes he can do anything and or everything by doing nothing.”

“You mean Archie 22 on down?”

“Pretty much. The Higher Archie has been breached and as how the Higher Archie is a top down organization, it can only be broken by disrupting its lowest ranking members.”

“Pretty perceptive, Mr. TPE.” Archie 25 piped in.

“So the Higher Archie is only as strong as its weakest members.” I commented.

Lance replied, “Yes, and it’s ironic that as the foundation tumbles there is no choice but for the Higher Archie to itself sink down from its greatest heights.”

“Thus leaving the Third Heaven Cafeteria exposed to the infiltration and subsequent takeover of the Strawberry Tarters.”

“What an insidious plot!” Archie 25 piped in once more.

I asked Lance directly, “What would it mean for Raspberry Tarts to take the place of Moon Moon Pies on the menu of the THC?”

“It would mean that we have returned to Primeval Chaos.”

CHAPTER TEN

“What do you mean by the term ‘Primeval Chaos’?” Archie 25 asked.

Lance responded, “Oh, I was just being rhetorically dramatic. There’s no such thing as a primeval chaos.”

“Agreed. There’s only current chaos.” I wasn’t sure of what I was saying but I didn’t want to be left out of the conversation. A25 replied instantly,

“That’s an interesting thought young man. Do you think Nick is on to something, Lance?”

“Yes, I do. Nick is intuitively relating to us that the universe only exist in the now and the now is always chaotic. Chaos is the very nature of existence.”

I made a mental note to more often defer to my intuition. Archie 25 then commented,

“The Big Fellow might disagree with you on that Lance.”

Lance gathered his thoughts. “Think about it. Chaos is subject to order. Order is subject to chaos. The Big Fellow lives to bring order out of chaos but he also lives to bring chaos out of order and by doing so he introduces life and change and chance into the universe. The beauty of creation.”

“And what do Moon Pies have to do with all this.”

“Moon Pies represent both order and chaos. Order in the sense that the parts make up the whole and chaos in the sense even celestial eating habits are disrupted.”

“What do the Castenadas hope to gain by removing Moon Pies from THC and replacing them with Raspberry Tarts?”

“They hope to gain access to heavenly places.”

Lance glanced over at me. “It’s time to go, Nick.”

We walked out the front entrance of Archie 25’s cave. We were going up again.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

“How far up this time, Lance?”

“Archie 500.”

I let out a gasp. “Isn’t that above the breathable portion of the atmosphere?”

“Perhaps, but that doesn’t really matter.”

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter? We’ll die without oxygen.”

“I’m already dead.” Lance replied, and as he spoke his body began fading away. I reached out to touch his shoulder but he was gone. He had disappeared right in front of my eyes!

On the seat where he had been (or where I thought he had been) there suddenly appeared four items: an oxygen tank with accompanying mask; a celestial cell phone and my long lost Wullet!

I started hearing static and then what sounded like a voice. It was TPE Central. “God Evening. Nick, are you there?”

I picked up the celestial and replied, “Nick here. I just lost Lance.”

“Lance was never there. He died on the road outside of Denver. He was in bad shape. It’s amazing he made it as far as he did.”

“So I was projecting an image of Lance as compensation for my ignorance of the Higher Archie?”

“Yes, you needed something to build confidence in you. The Higher Archie can be intimidating.”

“Where do I go from here?”

“Just what Lance recommended. Archie 500.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

I would miss Lance’s companionship but a TPE never looks back. I still had a job to do and that took preeminence over all other matters.

Luckily, the higher you went the closer the Archies were to each other. It took only about three hours to reach Archie 300. But at that point I found myself in the horns of a dilemma. Instead of one road there were now two! And both were called the Philip K. Dick Highway. At the entrance to the one on the left there was a sign that read:

Determinist forces are wrong

Though irresistibly strong

But of god there’s a dearth

For he visits the earth

But not for sufficiently long

While the one on the right said:

Determinist forces are wrong

Though irresistibly strong

But of god there’s no dearth

For he visits the earth

But just for sufficiently long

Which road to take?

I called TPE Central. Someone answered, “God Evening, can we help you?”

“I hope so. I’m at the horns of a dilemma.”

“Been there, done that.”

“That’s good. I’m at the entrance to the Philip K. Dick Highways. Do I take the left one or the right one?”

“You know the answer.”

“I do?”

“Of course, a good TPE always follows his instincts.”

“Even when they might be wrong?”

“Once again, of course.”

I thought for a minute then I followed the PKD Highway to the left.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Archie 387 waved at me as I shot by him in the dune buggy. He waved with one hand while holding something to his mouth with his other hand. When I realized what it was a cold shudder went through me.

Archie 387 had been eating a Raspberry Tart!

It wasn’t safe but I increased my speed. It was probably too late as the Castenadas had more than likely been successful in their Moon Pie coup d’état but I was on a mission to save the Third Heaven Cafeteria and I couldn’t allow my doubts and fears to rule me.

I saw no more Archies as I went up the Higher Archie and soon I was approaching my destination: Archie 500. Legend had it that the back door of Archie’s 500 cave opened into the kitchen of the Third Heaven Cafeteria. I was about to find out if the legend was true.

The wind was really howling now. I estimated the temperature to be about minus 200 degrees Fahrenheit. Luckily, my Wullet had a Thermo Ray Body Infiltrator chip and it was strong enough to keep me warm enough so as to keep moving. The door to Archie 500’s cave had been ripped off by the wind and was lying across the road. Actually it was lying up against the end of the road. The end was no longer near. It was here.

I walked through the door and found Archie 500 sprawled across the floor. He was breathing but unconscious. My guess was that he had been knocked unconscious by the Castenadas. Perhaps he had attempted to prevent them from taking over the Third Heaven Cafeteria and they had dragged his body back to his cave.

Nice touch.

I threw a blanket over A500 and began walking through the corridor that went down the middle of his cave. It was a surprisingly long corridor but I finally made it to the back entrance. I opened the door and found myself gazing at the one of the most beautiful sites in the universe: the kitchen of the Third Heaven Cafeteria.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

The Castenadas were waiting for me but they had forgotten how nimble TPEs can be. They had only known Lance when he was in an injured state. But I wasn’t Lance and I wasn’t injured. I was a TPE at the height of his powers and I was equipped with a fully functioning Wullet. They came at me twenty strong but I managed to avoid their first onslaught by jumping on to a Neptune manufactured Galaxy approved refrigerator. From that point I leaped to a Horse-head Nebula self-cleaning stove and from there to the far distant corner of the kitchen.

I took out my celestial and called TPE Central.

“God Evening, can we help you?”

“Use the coordinates that are coming from my celestial and send a Level Three Destructo Beam to this spot.”

“But won’t you find that a bit uncomfortable?”

“Wait ten seconds and I’ll be in another location.”

“Roger, TPE. 10, 9, 8, 7,….”

I left my celestial in the corner and started running for one of the side doors. Did I mention that I was wearing a parachute as well as an oxygen mask and tank? If I didn’t, I apologize. Things have been kind of hectic lately.

The beam hit its target and as it was doing so I was jumping out of the kitchen of the Third Heaven Cafeteria. It broke my heart that I was the reason for the destruction of something so beautiful but it had to be done.

Que sera, sera?

EPILOG

Every good deed cannot go unpunished. Officially, of course, Boss Jr. thanked me for saving the Third Heaven Cafeteria from the Castenadas and for restoring Moon Moon Pies to their rightful place in the Higher Archie, but unofficially, there was no place in the TPE Corps for someone who had acted so recklessly. I was retired almost as soon as I hit the earth. What hurt more than anything though was when I was de-wulletized. That sting will never go away.

I’m now back in Goodsite, working part-time at Shumptuous Dairy as a chocolate milk taste tester. Since I’m no longer a TPE, I’m no longer affected by TOMS (Time Out of Mind Syndrome). Not real exciting work, but after being a TPE, what would be?

THE END