CASE NUMBER TEN

The Case of Universation Nation

CHAPTER ONE

Mto Enskyi was proud of the way he carried out his assignments. Since he usually assigned them he was doubly pleased of being both the assigner and the assignee. As CEO of Evil Light, he knew he lacked certain evil characteristics. For example, he had  a very even and pleasant temperament. He was so even minded that he found it hard to criticize criticism of his own organization and though he tried not to, he found himself in agreement with the recent assessment of Evil Light in the trade magazine, Evil Rich People: “Evil Light lacks the essential hideousness required to reach the depths of true and lasting evil.”

But though he wasn’t the murderous type, his greed knew no bounds. That’s why he had hired the sharpshooter D.E. (Dead Eye) Nerdez. Not to kill Neercassel, but to come close enough to doing so, that Neercassel would high tail it for San Manse’, the Lost City that was located either in Normex Annex or somewhere darn close to it.

“But, Senor, why is it so important to find some stinking little ghost town in the middle of the desert?” asked D.E., who was carefully cleaning his rifle.

“Haven’t you been keeping up with the price of gold?”

“Si’, Senor’, but what’s that got to do with San Manse’?”

“Legend has it that the streets are paved with the stuff.”

CHAPTER TWO

Luckily, I wasn’t in that bad a shape. Unluckily, my celestial cell phone had been lost as I was cascading upward in the ejection seat (see CASE NUMBER NINE: The Case of the Lost City of the Inklings).  Later on the ground, with bullets flying all around me, I had neither time nor chance to search for it. I was now running at a less frenzied pace, having covered about two miles in fifteen minutes. No one seemed to be following me so I decided it was OK to take a break and rest my weary feet and lungs.

It was the middle of the afternoon and the sun was high in a cloudless sky. It was hotter than it really needed to be. I was without water or communication. The bleakness of the landscape matched the bleakness of my spirit. I couldn’t go back and look for my celestial cell phone because the sniper was probably waiting for that to happen. Snipers are unusually patient. It goes with the job. My only hope was to press on into the desert. Maybe I would luck out and find some water gushing out of some rocks. Maybe I wouldn’t.

The hours went by as I trudged beneath the merciless sun. No water, and no food, and I was growing weak and disoriented. The afternoon passed into night and finally I collapsed in the desert sand, unconscious and unmoving.

The next thing I knew cool water was touching my lips. It was the next morning. I had been unconscious for at least twelve hours

“Drink slowly, man, or you’ll drown yourself.” The voice I heard seemed to be coming out of a deep well. I opened my eyes and kneeling beside me holding a canteen to my lips was a bearded man of an indeterminate age. I did as I was told and slowly imbibed the cool, delicious liquid. I managed to ask a question:

“Who are you?”

“I am Don Won Rezales. I am a Protector of the U.N. Territory in which you are now an uninvited visitor.”

CHAPTER THREE

The U.N.? What was the United Nations doing in this forsaken neck of the woods? Oops, I mean desert. There wasn’t a tree in sight.

“Thank you, Senor Rezales. I think you saved my life.”

“Call me Don Won. And who might you be?”

“Nick Neercassel, Theological Private Eye. Call me Nick.”

We shook hands and after doing so I took another long swig of water.

“Tell me, Don Won, what is the United Nations doing around here?”

“United Nations? I never said I worked for the United Nations.”

“But you said we were in U.N. Territory.”

“Yes, I did. I don’t deny it. But the letters U.N. do not stand for United Nations. It’s an abbreviation for Universation Nation.”

I scratched my head in bewilderment. I had been looking for San Manse’, Normex Annex, and Lance Straightpoint, a fellow TPE. Instead I had found Don Won and the Universation Nation.

CHAPTER FOUR

“You were wrong, Senor. I don’t think the Neercassel fellow is coming back.”

Mto frowned. “But he had no water and no means of communication.” Mto looked over at Nick’s celestial cell phone that was sitting on the console of his Land Rover.

D.E. spit out some brown juicy particles from the wad of tobacco in his mouth. “Maybe he’s dead.”

Mto was visibly upset. He had no intention of killing anyone. All he wanted was the gold.

“Well, let’s head out. Maybe Neercassel left a trail that’s not too hard to follow.”

Mto toyed with idea of using Neercassel’s cell phone. He had always wanted to talk to someone at TPE Central. Now was his big chance. What the heck. He dialed the celestial number.

“God morning. TPEC. May we help you?”

“I have several theological conundrums.”

“Shoot. We have a panel of theological experts standing by.”

“Please don’t use the word shoot again. My driver has an itchy finger.”

“Understood. Now how about those conundrums?”

“Yes, yes. Here goes:

“Is the prodigal son a type of everyman?”
“Let us answer your question with a question. Can you go home again?”
“I suppose so.”
“What if home is no longer there? “
“Keep searching?”
“You build a new home.”

Mto found the answer somewhat unsettling but nevertheless he plowed ahead.

“Who were the wise men?”
“Men of knowledge and understanding.”
“But they followed a star.”
“No, they didn’t.”
“But…”
“They followed the light.”

“I think they got you on that one, Senor.” D.E. blurted out.

Mto ignored D.E.’s remark, continuing on:

“Innocent children die.”
“That is true.”
“Do you have an explanation?”
“It all seems to be a matter of chance.”
“That doesn’t seem fair.”
“If you don’t like our answer, then think of a better one.”

These guys were tough, thought Mto. One last question:

“What do you do when someone has lost their way?”
“We let them continue.”
“Won’t they get even more lost?”
“Being lost isn’t a matter of degree. It’s more like an opportunity.”
“An opportunity for what?”
“An opportunity to be found.”

For some reason, Mto’s thoughts turned to Neercassel who right now might be lying dead in the stupefying desert sun. Why couldn’t I be more truly evil?

TPEC then made an announcement: “We’re sorry sir, but your time is up. Call back in a few days and we’ll do our best to answer some more of your most heartfelt theological conundrums.

CHAPTER FIVE

Don Won had shared some grub with me, and that along with the water, was making me feel much better. I asked him, “So tell me about this Universation Nation. What are its parameters?”

“We’re the exact same size as Normex Annex: one square mile.”

“Where are you in relation to Normex Annex?”

“It varies. NA is not stable. We are. Therefore our geographical relationship changes with the wind.”

“So the wind is the agent of change?”

“Yes. The wind is the one constant in an ever changing world.”

“Why do you call your nation the Universation Nation?”

“Because we live by what the universations teach us.”

“For instance?”

“Well, I cannot show you without help.”

Then Don Won made some kind of discrete, as well as discreet, signal and around the big rock we were sitting against walked one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen.

“Meet my wife, Caramelita Rezales. Caramelita, this is Nick.”

“Nice to meet you Nick.”

“Now, Caramelita, for Nick’s benefit, let’s perform Universation Number 68:

“The meek shall inherit the earth?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“Well, no. Power tends to gravitate to those who are strong.”
“But they grow weary of it.”
“And the meek?”
“They’re accustomed to being weary.”
So a universation was simply a conversation between two people? But it almost sounded rehearsed. Where had these universations come from? I asked Don Won.
“We do not know exactly. We found them in a dumpster in a back alley off the main street of San Manse’. Many of us loved them from the start but there was an element of Tarters who were totally against them for what they called their ‘subversive effects’.”
“Who were these ‘Tarters’”?
“Members of the Cult of the Raspberry Tart (See CASE EIGHT: The Case of Normex Annex). We were once members but were ex-communicated because of our love for the universations. As a consequence, we left Normex Annex and formed a nation here.”
“Are you the leader of Universation Nation?”
“Perhaps Universation 104 can partially answer that question. Caramelita, would you participate once again?”
“They say in America that the people choose their own leaders.”
“What a strange custom.”
“Humorous too. Men and women try to depict themselves as visionary but pragmatic, honorable but cunning, peace-loving but strong. They become all things to all people and they’re not even trying to promote a new religion.”
“They go to all that trouble just to gain positions of leadership? What happens to their private lives, their inner kingdoms?”
“Sad but true. They are the true givers. They give themselves to serving others. And what thanks do they get? Very little, because to be chosen they have promised much more they can ever deliver. Strangely though, not many of them seem to be too bothered by their failures.”
I started to laugh, not because it was that funny, but simply because of its irony. I suppressed my laughter though, because Don Won and Caramelita were so obviously sincere about their beliefs in the universality  of the universations. I had no desire to hurt the feelings of my benefactors.
Don Won then asked me what was the string of circumstances that had brought me to my current dire situation. I then recounted my misadventures and asked if there were any universations that were applicable. He thought for a moment and then replied, “What about 109? Carmelita, would you please?”
“We seem to be in a holding pattern.”
“Yes, we’re hovering over hostile territory.”
“Why can’t their bullets reach us?” “We’re just beyond their reach.”
“What if we drop down a little?”
“Then the bullets will come crashing through the walls and in so doing will also come crashing through us.”
“Will it be the end?”
“No, we haven’t suffered enough yet.”
“And there’s 117.”
“Who are our friends?”
“The ones inside a mountain.”
“What of the ones on the outside?”
“They are our enemies until proven otherwise.”
“Can we trust our friends?”
“We only trust when we have no other choice.”
Just as I must trust the Universation Nation, I thought to myself.  Don Won spoke, “Another one might be 161:”

“Our friends have deserted us.”
“Rats are leaving the sinking ship.”
“But we are yet afloat.”
“Our heads may be above water, but the sea has already claimed us. Our destiny is at the bottom of the ocean.”
“How long do we have?”
“Until the sharks get hungry.”

I didn’t like the direction the universations were headed in; I still had a job to do and I was becoming apprehensive that Don Won and Caramelita were getting on a universation roll. I decided to stop them in their tracks while I still could.”

“Don Won, can you help me find San Manse’?”

CHAPTER SIX

Mto put down his binoculars. “That looks like Neercassel sitting in the shade of the big rock. But who are the other two: the small man with the grey beard and the beautiful lady with the long black hair? Do you know them?”

D.E. thought for a moment, “Maybe, Senor. I think that may be Don Won Rezales and his lovely bride, Caramelita.”

“Why would they be In the middle of the desert?”

“They’re both Protectors of U.N. Territory.”

“They both work for the United Nations?”

“No, Senor. Not United Nations but Universation Nation. Have you not heard of it?”

“Can’t say that I have. Is it an up and coming country?” Mto began to think that Evil Light might just have found a new trading partner.

DE replied, “Disappointment is a house in the country. Lonely but for an oak tree and a yapping dog.”

Mto reacted with surprise. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s Universation 194.”

“Are you saying Universations are simply sayings? Nothing metallic about them? Nothing material in any way? All intangible?

“Yes, Senor.”

Mto sank back into the well cushioned seat of his Land Rover.

“Oh, well, we’ve still got Neercassel. We’ll follow him once he starts moving again. Let’s just hope he really knows the road to San Manse’”

CHAPTER SEVEN

Don Won had gone into a trance of some kind. So had Caramelita. Was there something magical about the name San Manse’?

Then, without either one opening their eyes, they began a conversation:

“Universation 203. Caramelita, please begin.”

“When someone speaks in the dark, how do we know if they are lying or telling the truth?”
“Speakers of truth bring their own light.”

“207”

“Every thief is known by the company he keeps.”
“What about the things he steals?”
“He only steals because he feels deprived.”
“But what about the things?”
“They are not worth stealing.”

“210”

“Why do men fight over a piece of land?”
“Because it represents power.”
“Do all men seek power?”
“All men seek love.”

“221”

“Where do you come from?”
“Haven’t you asked that before?”
“Probably.”
“What was my answer then?”
“You said you came from a place where you no longer existed. But isn’t that true of all of us?”
“Yes, but how many realize that?”


“226”


“Why does religion separate us?”
“It doesn’t.”
“What do you mean?”
“We were separated before we found religion.”

“241”

“Most people get tired late at night.”
“What is the source of our fatigue?”
“Weariness comes from the knowledge that we are ignorant.”
“The finite brain is overwhelmed by infinity.”
“Yes, and the empty heart is filled with fear.”
“The night closes in.”
“Our weariness leads to sleep.”
“Where does our sleep lead?”
“That is yet to be discovered.”

“272"

“Who among us knows the way?”
“The engineers at the highway department.”

“341”

“What lives on?”
“The spirit never dies.”
“How about consciousness?”
“Consciousness is relative.”

“342”

“Do you experience time as we do?”
“I live in the past, present, and future simultaneously.”
“How is that possible?”
“I stretch my soul.”  

410

“The sun is terrible in its brightness. You'll go blind if you stare at it too long. “
“Then what good is it? “
“Its goodness or badness doesn't matter. All that matters is that it's there. And so whether we want to or not we must learn to live with it. “
“But it's not always there. Where does it go? “
“No one knows but when it goes away we close our eyes and when it comes back we reopen them. “
“Have you ever noticed that when it's gone there is less warmth and less light? Could the absence of the sun in any way be related to those factors? “
“What a ridiculous thought! The sun is in the sky, aloof and unapproachable. How could it be responsible for the light and warmth in our lives? “
“Yes, of course, how silly of me. “

“477“

“Bad habits tend to betray us.“
“What do good habits do?
“Keep us in shape to continue our bad habits. “

CHAPTER EIGHT


Mto was looking through the binoculars once again. He spoke to D.E. “The bearded man and the lovely woman have been facing each other for the past hour. “
“Are their lips moving?”
Mto peered even harder. “Yes, as a matter of fact, they are.”
“They’re obviously in a state of UPS.”
“United Parcel Service?”
“Universation Prestidigitation Sublimation.”
Mto was surprised by the both the term itself and the fact D.E. could both know and pronounce it. He looked at D.E. Was there more to him than just being a deadly, cold-hearted sniper?
“What does it mean?”
“It’s a combination of trickery and refinement. It’s a technique all the best religions use.”
“I wasn’t aware you were up on such things.”
“Most of what a sniper does is wait. I just use my waiting time in a more profitable manner than your average sniper. I listen to audio tapes: religious and philosophical are at the top of my list.”
“I’m impressed.”
“You shouldn’t be. For a supposedly evil character, you’re showing way too much consideration for another human being .”
Mto sighed. Nerdez was right.


CHAPTER NINE


It was then that Mto spotted Neercassel walking off in a southernly direction. The man and women were still facing each other. Only their lips were moving. Mto said to D.E.
“Let’s drive over there and listen to what they’re saying. They might offer a clue to where Neercassel is going. D.E. cranked up the Land Rover and drove slowly over to where the man and woman stood. Mto got out of the Rover and walked to within a few feet of them. He listened carefully.

“244" 

“Unspeakable miseries fill the years. Who is to blame? “ “Why must we blame anyone?“ “Someone must pay for the evil done.“
“Why spend our resources on the unalterable? Past deeds cannot be changed but living entities may be repaired. “ “What do you propose?”
“An end to hostilities.”

“313"

“Are there limits to understanding?”
“Yes, but there are no limits to self-deception.”


“520”

“Did you actually think it would rain non-stop for forty days and forty nights?”
“There was always that possibility.”
“If that's the case, why didn't you change your evil ways?”
“I'll need some more time to answer that.”

“532”

“We keep running into memories of ourselves.”
“The best memories never happened.”
“That's what memories are all about.”

“534”

“How did you defeat death?”
“I grabbed it and we jumped off a cliff together.”

Mto walked back to the Rover and slid into the front passenger seat. He then buckled up and said in a low voice to D.E. “Forget about following Neercassel. We’re going back to El Paso. I haven’t seen my wife and kids in weeks. I’ve been too busy chasing gold.”

“You’re giving up evil?”

“We’re giving each other up.”

CHAPTER TEN

I had appreciated what the Rezales had done for me but time was a’wastin’ and who knew how long the Rezales would be occupied in their universation trance-like state. My assignment, as far as I knew, had not been aborted, and it was still my responsibility to find and rescue a fellow TPE. So I bid my adieus to the Rezales (they didn’t respond of course) and headed out toward the south. As I was leaving I picked up a piece of paper that was being tossed in the wind. It looked to be a page of universations:

286

Have you seen any works of art lately?
The desert itself is a work of art
Too dry for my tastes.
Obviously you’re not very thirsty.

288

What happens in a city?
The ebb and flow of human fortune.

293

Do you think it’s a good idea to restore old buildings?
No, it’s best to let things die a natural death.


584

What are you looking for?
Non-repeating symbols of existence.

606

Do you ever re-live in your mind your desert experience?
Which one?
There was more than one?
There were three.
Is each one different in your mind?
Depends on whether I'm awake or asleep.

EPILOG

They looked to be clues to the location of San Manse’. The handwriting was small and neat. Had Caramelita written them? And if she had, was Don Won aware of it? I’m guessing he was. They seemed like an inseparable team.

Because the Universation Nation was only one square mile in extent, it didn’t take me long to cross the border. But that’s just an assumption. There were no signs saying ‘You’re now leaving the beautiful and wonderful country of Universation Nation’. There were no border guards; no barbed wire fence; no river serving as a dividing between one country and the next. There was nothing but desert sand, rocks and boulders of various shapes and sizes, a few cacti here and there. Best all of there were no pursuers and if a sniper were to fire a bullet at me from a far distance, I would never know what hit me.

826

Glad you could make it to the funeral.
It seemed the right thing to do.
How so?
No one should be buried alone.

My only companion was the wind.


THE END